Movie Reviews: Stephen King’s Bag Of Bones (Tv Miniseries)

Movie Reviews: Stephen King’s Bag Of Bones (Tv Miniseries)

English 2011

Stephen King’s Bag of Bones novel was brought to life as a two part A&E mini series, this winter. I pity those of you who caught it on television and were forced to endure a ridiculous amount of commercial breaks, and a two week post-conclusion commitment.- I for one will preach the joys of PVR, i was able to view this “miniseries” ad’free all in one helping- which panned out to only be about a two hour sit in. Thank goodness.

As far as television events go Bag of Bones was hyped to be “highly anticipated”- and fans of Stephen King were likely right out stoked for this screen adaption. Personally when i first saw the commercials airing for Bag Of Bones, I became an immediate skeptic.

Before i get ahead of myself let me give you the gist of the story here; In Bag of Bones an author named Mike Noonan (Pierce Brosnan) is stricken with grief of his wife’s passing… *spoiler* She gets hit by a bus in an ominous blink of the eye shot- no seriously the scene where this happens is entirely missable if your not paying close attention.*/spoiler* Anyhow after her “melodramatic” passing, and the not so discrete discovery of a pregnancy test in the purse beside her mangled body,( actually she is struck by the bus on her way back from buying the strange off-brand test, which she immediately shoved into her purse- to me it looked like she stole it, in which case she deserves to be hit by a bus.) Pierce, I mean Mike Noonan, is absolutely devastated- turns out his sperm is lacklustre and it is highly likely he wife was cheating on him post bus death. This all makes for some pretty “neato” rising action, while we get to watch Mr Brosnan expand his acting chops while he pouts about his wife’s infidelity and dying.

From there, our buddy Pierce, stricken with overwhelming grief/ writers block, decides to head out to the couple’s old love nest on the lake. There he gets involved with a MILF, named Mattie Devore and her young daughter- Somehow he gets sucked into partaking in a custody battle with Mattie’s father in Law, who i should mention is a decrepit old man who scoots around like Stephen Hawking in a motorized scooter. There is also the father in laws evil henchman/ his awkward lover but more about that fantastic plot foil a bit later.

While this is all going on, there is some stuff about ghosts haunting the cabin, and curses. There is also a very sexy tree that looks like it has lady parts, i thought that was kind of cool.

In a very typical Stephen King fashion the protagonist’s “slow-decent-into-madness” is the driving melodrama- but with Piece Brosnan in the lead role, we get nothing but comedic line delivery and absolutely hilarious character interactions. This man is ungodly awful, almost as if he is playing a parody of the “serious” character he is mean’t to be playing. The result, is a cheesy performance, reminiscent of his role in 1997’s Dante’s Peak. ( i think we all liked him in that?) Anyways there is something absolutely wrong with Piece Brosnan, i don’t understand why he has such vast filmography- in fact i find him completely interchangeable with Dennis Quaid or David Hasselhof.

Okay. So if you do watch this there are some bits of entertainment for you to enjoy- Bag of Bones does feature some scary moments when things unexpectedly pop out and look deceased and gruesome. The scares are slightly scattered unpredictably throughout, but for the most part this thing is driven by plot lines and dialogue. When it does get scary, remember its made for TV and produced for a television audience, the easily squeamish members of your family might get a bit spooked- make sure grandma is tucked away in bed.

Reviewed By Brandie Tschauner

©2012

***One Character i can’t resist talking about is the father in law’s mistress. She turns out to be the greatest villain of all time. There is a great scene where she takes her ninety year old fist and punches Pierce Brosnan in the face off a cliff . Then she feebly throws rocks at him to invoke him to drown. This is a classic camp movie moment, while she cackles the best evil “heh-ha ha” that i have ever heard captured in recording. Trust me, this moment makes this entire train wreck worth watching.